An Open Letter To My Grandma In Heaven.

Dear Grandma,

This is hard for me to write. I don’t even really know what to say, but the main thing that I want to say is that I miss you. The more that keeps happening in my life, it makes me realize that I really don’t have you here anymore to celebrate with me. For me, you missing the milestones I still yet haven’t hit that you couldn’t wait for is the hardest thing for me to accept. My college graduation, wedding, your great-grandchildren and just accomplishing the goals I have set in place for myself. In reality, it’s only been roughly over a year since you have passed away but it still feels like you have just left this earth. I remember getting the phone call at work that it was time to and that you weren’t going to make it much longer. All we had were a few hours to be with you. I still remember that day like it was yesterday; some days I think of it more than others, and sometimes it puts me in a horrible mood. Since then, I always have tried to find the good side to things, no matter how bad the situation may be. The one good thing that I try to think about is how proud of me you’d be today. For each of the good, and bad, moments in my life that have happened since you passed away, I’ve reflected on and know that you’re smiling down on me from heaven.

I remember how much time we spent up at Oak Run or the countless times we spent in the kitchen cooking and baking the day away. I think I appreciate cooking and baking more now because you instilled this love for them within my heart and mind. If we weren’t in the kitchen, we’d be out by the pool or watching a movie. Though my attempts at your recipes certainly do not taste the same, I’m trying to cook and bake more. It was “our” thing and I’m trying to enjoy it as much as I had when it was the two of us. Do not worry Grandma, each day is one step closer to being fully independent.

I am always wondering what Heaven is like and what you are doing up there. I hope the sun never stops shining and only rains so your gardens and flowers up there can grow. I hope you have a variety of flowers up there to hand out to all of our family and friends that are with you. You were my best friend. Can I tell everyone that who asks? Not too often people call their grandmothers their best friend. But, it’s also not to often when your grandmother pulls you out of class randomly one day to take a weekend vacation to Las Vegas – by far, my favorite memory eighth grade year. They love them and share a special bond but to also be friends with them? It is a rare occurrence. I spent most of my free time with you and I loved going to your house each week. Sometimes we would just sit and talk about whatever was going on or simply run errands to the grocery store. You always made sure to give me a hug and kiss before I left – man do I miss that.

Looking back on all the decisions I have made since you unexpectedly left this world, I know that you would be proud of me today. I have changed so much from being completely awkward to the dedicated, humble, and slightly less awkward twenty-something year old that I am today. Some days, all I want to do is cry and wish that I could see you again and tell you about the person I’ve become and the plans I’ve made for myself, and other days I’m motivated and doing more and more things, and getting closer to finishing my bachelor’s degree knowing that you’re proud of me and watching over me. There is so much in this letter that I’ve left out because I know it could easily become a twenty-page letter that I’d have no problem writing because I could talk to you for hours and never get bored, but now that I’m older, I know that I don’t have to tell you every detail because you’re watching over me and cheering me on from up above. I still hope that you’re proud of me in everything that I do and I just want you to know that I love you and that you’re one of my biggest motivators. Here’s to the next chapter in my life and here’s to knowing that I’ll make you proud in whatever it is I accomplish in the next chapter. I love you, so much, and I’ll see you again someday.

Love,

Baylee Bug